I recently commented on an Instagram Post about a photographer who took portraits of girls and let them just be themselves (didn’t tell them to smile or pose a certain way, etc.) I thought the photographs, taken for an art exhibit, were beautiful and revelatory. The comments in the post were also revealing.

My comment read: “I have been told for 60+ years that I was prettier when I smiled. I’m pretty all the time. Thank you very much. And I don’t have to smile to make you comfortable.” What I meant was that I am not comfortable with strange men coming telling me that I should smile and look “prettier” to make them feel better. People are attractive or not. Smiling or not. My husband is still handsome when he’s not smiling because I know him and love him. This behavior is originated in the patriarchy. It’s about women being mere decorations. Never have I ever considered telling a strange man that he’d be more handsome if he smiled! Never.

The majority of the comments on my post were positive and supportive. I found it fascinating that over 4500 people to date “liked” my comment and 41 people took the time to comment. Again, most of the comments were supportive, saying things like: “perfect comment” and “louder for the folks in the back” and “the number of times I heard this when I was practicing law twenty years ago … from men, of course” and others.

Among those positive and supportive comments were a very few that were not: “Dude, every pretty person is prettier when they look happy. Get over yourself” and “literally everyone is prettier when they smile. That’s just basic human psychology” and “how does telling you that you’re pretty when you smile mean that you’re not when you don’t? You’re doing too much take the compliment, you’re beautiful and appreciate the person who said it rather than take the compliment and twist it into a negative.” AND all of these commenters were men: Zack, Omar and … You catch my drift.

What all of these men fail to see is that telling a stranger (or a co-worker) that they should smile is NOT said to men. It’s kind of like whistling at a woman walking by. It makes me uncomfortable because you’re a STRANGER and I don’t know you. It’s seen by those who study behavior as microaggression: a behavior used against women (people of color and other marginalized groups) to put them in a submissive position. It’s bullying/overpowering someone “weaker”. It’s a behavioral or verbal slight, intentional or not, and it communicates hostile, derogatory and negative attitudes toward marginalized groups. And sadly, it’s so well ensconced in our society that even well-educated, well-mannered people don’t understand why it bothers me.

These comments have always made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t always have the vocabulary to explain it. Just trust me when I tell you that It’s not ok for a stranger in a bar or disco (as happened to me in college) to walk up to a stranger dancing and tell her to smile, she’d be prettier. It’s not ok on a city street, in a subway or the office either. Women are allowed to take up space smiling or not.

This is me at work this week. I’m smiling. I am a generally happy person who laughs a lot and loves to greet my customers with a smile. I (mostly) love my work and customers and I work to create an experience that leaves each customer feeling a little bit better when they leave than they did when they came in. A little bit of kindness and caring go so much farther than a critical , “you’d looks so much prettier if you smiled”.

You take care of your face (and your mouth. Mind your own business. Let me choose my face … whether it be a smile, a scowl or resting bitch face. I don’t answer to you. Take not of mom’s advice: don’t take to strangers.

Gone knitting.