Terrified

I’m writing this today (4/12/12) and have no intent to publish it until I have the test results back and have nothing to be terrified about. Here’s what’s happened … happening and why I’m terrified.

I went to the doctor/OBGyn for my normal annual check up a week or so ago. Everything normal, no history of anything (me or my family) and feeling good. Happy, healing from the ravages of a divorce, ready to move forward and working to build a new life. When she “felt my belly” (my words, not hers) I had a tender spot on the lower left side. To be safe, a sonogram was scheduled. I have had fibroids before but never anything to worry about or even think about.

Sonogram day arrived and after the procedure met with the nurse practitioner/midwife who I’ve followed to a new practice because I liked her so much. Fibroids were still there. Still small. No big deal but there was a thickening of the endometrium – “normally” 4mm, mine, 1.4mm. To be safe, we’ll check it out with a biopsy to rule out the nasty big C. As in CRAP, could I have cancer?!

For the last couple of days I’ve been trying to conceptualize a diagnosis of uteran/endometrial cancer … and it simply doesn’t fit. I’ve never been really sick. Had a bout years ago with depression but have worked that through and feel great. (Dumping an alcoholic, over-spending, dishonest husband has helped a lot!) My sweetheart and I are in a good place, a better place and are learning how to navigate the rough spots in life together. My knitting business and teaching are starting to fill in and take off and I’m excited about what the future will bring. I’m so full of gratitude for having been so healthy. I’ve never been sick and really would prefer to stay that way!

Today was my biopsy. The process wasn’t so bad. A bit of cramp stuff when she clamped my cervix. I couldn’t read the magazine uncomfortable but I could still look at the photos. Hearing about the woman “the other day” whose cervix was as tight as a rat’s ass … well, truth be told she was tight as a rat’s ass, too) made me smile. My cervix cooperated and I was done in 5 minutes or so. Now the hard part – waiting for the results which will be a week or so.

I have been a wreck waiting for the biopsy appointment. It feels like my body is on high alert (and maybe it is!) Fizzy, energy running through my veins, high alert. I know I’ve done all that I can do and I can’t control the outcome. I am just learning to take better care of myself and am learning to speak my mind and have an opinion after years of stuffing it all down in favor of someone else’s opinions. I’ve parented well. I have handled myself well – honestly, with grace and dignity. I have no regrets but I know I can continue to improve and do better.

I have had no symptoms. My doctor feels like this will be nothing. So does my old Roomie. I’m trying to be positive and know that whatever God has in mind for me, I can handle this, too, with strength and grace and I’m learning every day just how strong I really am. As the old adage goes, I just “wish She didn’t trust me so much!”

Crossing my fingers and saying my prayers. I’ve never felt quite so terrified!

Gone knitting!

 

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