Tag Archives: depression

What a Week!

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Monday, November 25, 2024

Well, the last one has been a tough week. I seem to be suffering from a bit of a depressive episode, not atypical for me at this time of year, due to the stretch of gray days and less light. I’ve hooked up the light thingy that I have and hope that will help and today it’s actually sunny which will also help. I also lost a dear family friend this week. We met when our kids were little at the beach in Weekapaug, RI. The Shelby family quickly became good friends because my eldest daughter and their youngest daughter bonded immediately. They’re still close all these 30-some years later. Anyway, Linda was a dear friend, always laughing and sarcastically funny, bright, creative and just a great woman. Linda got Alzheimer’s Disease, just like my mother, at an early age. She passed away Thursday at 72 years of age. Way too young. I will miss her and I’m grateful that she’s no longer suffering. That’s also brought up feelings around the loss of my mother at 76 back in 2008. I’m glad it’s Thanksgiving week and I don’t have to be anywhere so I can just be … and work through the feelings as they roll in. Nobody said that life would be easy.

I’ve had a big frustration with a commission that I had, too. I was asked to knit an adult-sized “Have You Seen My Octopus” hat for a high school friend who saw the one I made for our granddaughter. I bought the Malabrigo yarn and after ripping the hat back more than once, finally got the knitting done to my satisfaction. I blocked it – and it GREW! I’ve never had anything grow like this hat. If a hat is too big for my big fat head, it says a lot. So, because there’s no los when the hat is way too big, I wet it again and put it in the dryer alone. Twenty minutes and no change at all. SO I threw it in with a wet load of laundry and let it go … and it felted up to a decent size but it was too fluffy and looked “worn”. I reached out to my customer and told her about it and we decided that I’d send it to her so she can see what it looks like and it’s up to her to keep it or not. I’ve got almost $40 in yarn and about 10 (probably more) hours of work into the hat … ugh.

not really the color but the size is good
the color is washed out a bit and fuzzy

Yesterday I took the second part of the Fair Isle knitting class online with Janette Budge. What a generous teacher she is! I started knitting my bag/swatch after the class and ran into a color conundrum … if I continued knitting as planned, I’d have a yellow/gold motif colorway at the middle of the design AND a yellow background color. I didn’t think that would work. So, I emailed Janette and had a thoughtful answer back in a very short while. I am very grateful and can continue knitting now with renewed hope that the colors will work.

This is the gathering of colors that I chose. In the front are the background colors, theoretically a gradual shade change from white to yellow. In the back (at the top of the photo) are the motif colors. Again, they’re supposed to be a fade from dark to light. The bag will start and end with navy and the salmon color will be the “pop” of color in the middle of the motif. As I’d planned it, though, the yellow of the background colors and the third or fourth motif color (the golds) would be at the middle of the motif at the same time with little contrast and too much yellow! I think I’ll just leave out the yellow for the background (and hope I have enough of the beige.)

My Christmas stocking MKAL is ending today and I’ve fallen behind. I’m on day 17 or so and have several days to catch up on before knitting the afterthought heel and finishing. But I’ll get there. I have been enjoying the project … until the darkness got the better of me.

I’ve cast on a new pair of Christmas boot sock for my sister-in-love in Massachusetts. She is very knit worthy and I think she’ll enjoy the warm wool socks. I hope she can remember not to dry them. LOL. I have several skeins of Raggi sock yarn that I bought at my LYS before we couldn’t get it in the USA and this pair of skeins with a Christmas theme will be perfect for her. I haven’t taken any photos yet but the first sock is finished. I love knitting worsted weight socks! They knit up so quickly.

I’ve finished the knitting on my pink version of the “Lanes Island Pullover” and just have to start seaming the shoulders. Maybe I’ll get to that today. I’d love to have it to wear over Thanksgiving weekend. We’ll see how I do – the shoulders are the most difficult part to seam. The rest is a piece of cake … and I will have to knit the collar at the end. Send me good seaming juju, will you please?

I’ve still got to finish the Christmas sweater for our granddaughter, too. Not much to do there, either. I think I just have to knit the button plackets and add the buttons – the ones I got a really fun! Another project that shouldn’t take long to finish but I’ve not had the bandwidth to do anything other than simple simple simple whatever. I hope today will feel a little bit better and that I can conquer at least ONE of these undone projects.

Gone knitting.

Keep Calm & Cast On

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keepcalmI always knew that the meditative aspects of knitting were good for my soul. It appears that there is scientific proof that the repetitive nature of knitting is a health benefit. There’s an article on facebook today that I think is very interesting and you can read it by clicking HERE!

While I can’t say that knitting has been good “exercise” and there is no proof that I have lost weight or become more physically fit by knitting, I do believe my mind and soul is healthier (and maybe it’s helped my blood pressure, too). I have had some experience over the years with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and depression. When my son became school aged, I had a really intense bout with depression and really thought that I was going to die. Thanks to my friends and family who stepped in to help me with my children when I was immobilized, some wonderful doctors who were willing to listen to me – beyond the physical symptoms, medication and a great therapist who invited me to look at myself, I recovered and resumed being a mom. I’ve had a few little struggles along the way but nothing like the big “wake up call” back then.

I thought I could attribute my mental health to therapy and self-awareness. Now, I think I have to give, at least partial credit, to my knitting needles and yarn. It does feel good to relax deeply and watch the fabric grow with time and attention. It feels good to finish a project and sense the accomplishment of having created something beautiful; often to keep someone I love warm or to give as a gift to someone that I love or admire.

We’ve all seen the pictures on Pinterest and Facebook that say that knitting is cheaper than therapy – and while I’m not certain where I’ve spent more money, I do know that I feel healthier today and, according to science, I can thank my knitting for part of that!

Gone knitting!

On Losing One’s Self

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I’m reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed. If you’ve ever been married, are married or are thinking about getting married one day, it’s a good read and may teach you a thing or two about the institution of marriage. Ultimately, her story has a happy ending …

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Gilbert’s first marriage ended, suffice it to say, in a flaming ball of fire. And upon falling in love a second time, she was skeptical about entering into another marriage. I can get this! Having “failed” once, who wants to go running back for more? I don’t care how much one loves somebody, it’s a frightening concept to try again at something that didn’t work the first time.

Some of Gilbert’s research is interesting and I hadn’t realized that men benefit more from being married than women do (although it makes sense.) Apparently men are happier, healthier and more financially stable when they are married. Women, however, don’t benefit nearly as well. Income is likely to drop by seven percent for married women. They are more likely to suffer from depression and die in a catastrophic accident. Maybe because most married women are so stretched … working, caring for a husband, children and home is a lot of work and the book says that most men don’t share equally in the household or child-rearing responsibilities. It is also said that women who wait to get married until they’re more established are more likely to be happier when they’re married. So, having read most of this quick read, my advice to women is WAIT!

I was a “baby” when I got married at twenty-two and had my first child when I was twenty-six. I absolutely agree with Gilbert that you can lose yourself in marriage. Especially when there are children. I have been reclaiming myself for the last few years. I’m not saying that I have regrets because being able to stay at home and parent my three kids was a blast. I really enjoyed it and I was (and am) a good parent. Anyway, I loved volunteering in my community and we had a great neighborhood babysitting co-op when the kids were little so I had a great support system. My children became my life and I let myself slip to the back of the line. Everyone else’s needs came first (partly because they were more vocal, I think) and I didn’t understand the premise that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t care for everyone else. Needless to say, when my youngest went off to school, my world came crashing down in a horrible bout of depression that put me in bed for nearly six weeks. It was debilitating and frightening and there were times when I truly believed that I was going to die. One of my doctors wanted to do a spinal tap and that’s what sent me to a new doc who diagnosed my with depression and put  me on medication and, sure enough, after a couple of weeks I was able to get myself out of bed and out into the sunshine and back into life. It was the start of me taking time for myself and investing in myself – I started walking regularly and seeing a great therapist (or three) who have helped guide me to knowing myself.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to be able to get off the meds and haven’t had a relapse in years. I used to have a bit of a “down turn” at the end of summer when the kids went back to school. No dancing in the aisles at Staples for me! I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and can get upset, don’t get me wrong. I’ve spent several days at a time in my house/apartment/condo when my mother died and I was grieving. I did the same several months later when we buried her. The good news is that I know where to go when I need to get help and I now have the tools that I need to get myself back “on track”. I’m a lot happier when I remember to do something for me … and my knitting feeds that piece!

And now, I find myself in love with a man who (I think) would like to get married again. Some days I feel like that would be wonderful and some days not so much. Isn’t living together enough? So, I continue to invest in myself and follow my heart …