Tag Archives: gratitude

Looking at the Open Door

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I’m ready to start a new life. Not really a new, new life. Just a new one. While I know that this is somewhat confusing to all of you, I know exactly what I’m talking about. I am ready to stop revisiting the old stuff. I’m ready to forgive and forget and move on. I want to be surrounded in positive, healthy and forward-looking.

What’s done is done. My old life is old. It will never be the same again. I can’t go back there. My life has been forever changed by this divorce and everything that I believed to be true was proved false by a cheating (now ex-) husband. But he didn’t just lie to me and our kids; he lied to himself and he has to live with that for the rest of his life. I can forgive him and move on knowing that I did everything I could to make our marriage work. I did everything I could to make the process of separating and divorcing be fair and kind. I hoped to be able to have a friendship (of sorts) because we will forever be connected by our children. He doesn’t know how to play fair and won’t take responsibility for his behavior then or now and, again, he will have to live with the consequences of his choices.

I am working to be forward thinking. Today. Tomorrow. And for each day thereafter. I am so fortunate to have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have three healthy kids and two darling puppies, wonderful siblings, friends, and a man who loves me. I’m counting my blessings even as my ex is trying to undermine my positive attitude. He sucked me back into his whirling dervish tornado of abuse and sick thinking for a brief time today and I allowed it. But I’m back on track tonight and next time (if there is one) I will do even better at keeping my pledge.

I have a good feeling about 2012! I’ve turned around and I’m looking at the open door!

Gone knitting (after a bit of sleep!)

I Believe …

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1992

I’m not a huge fan of Christmas. I’ve always liked Thanksgiving best.

Christmas was OK when my children were little … nothing like the excitement of Santa Claus early (very early) on Christmas morning … it’s believing in miracles that is so sweet with children.

Now, when my children are grown (and Christmas stuff is out before Halloween), … it’s way too commercial. People are all in a hurry and seem to forget that they’re not the only ones driving (there have been two fatal accidents close to here in the last week) or shopping or whatever-they’re-doing. I’m not sure if this is because of the season or the lack of people-contact that we have in our world today. We seem to have no realization that our actions can impact the life of someone else.

That being said, here are some things that I believe.

I believe that every house should have only one television … and maybe none at all but I realize that’s unrealistic. When we all are able to go to our own corners and watch whatever we want whenever we want, we learn selfishness. When we learn selfishness and then are rewarded with gifts galore, we learn entitlement. Selfishness and entitlement are not pretty when they combine.

I believe that we need to give something of ourselves away. By that I mean giving gifts (anonymous donations, hand-made and sent away, something from the heart) that we have absolutely no expectation of getting anything in return. This year I’ve knitted a hat for a baby in Maine as part of the Period of Purple Crying project. Nobody (well, maybe you who read this blog will know) even knows that I donated a hat. I hope the baby that wears that hat is warm and safe this Christmas. Nobody knows that I sent another had to a soldier … I’m hoping that soldier is coming home this Christmas. I’ve read about K-Mart shoppers having their layaway items paid for and Caribou Coffee orders paid for. This is great giving and just what the spirit of the season is all about – giving freely, no strings attached. When strings are attached, it’s not really a gift at all. It’s a bribe, a manipulation and nobody likes being manipulated.

I believe that we need to search our souls to find out what we believe. How we want to live our lives. How we want to be treated and, thus, how we will commit to treating others. The “golden rule” … “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” is not a bad way to live. We left our summer house clean with crisp air-dried sheets on the beds, floors swept, kitchen clean, fridge stocked. We leave hotel rooms with a tip for the maid (tips= “to insure proper service”) because we appreciate the clean sheets and towels. We leave the beaches and hiking trails with gathered from the surf and sand and woods trash. Left behind by selfish, thoughtless, litterers who didn’t think about how beautiful the woods were in Maine in July. Someone who couldn’t be bothered to carry his Coke can down the trail to the garbage can at the parking lot. (See paragraph 2 about selfishness and entitlement combining.)

1984

I believe that we can’t spoil a baby with love. Babies require copious amounts of holding and hugging and kissing and cooing. Require! And in order to be able to provide all that loving, we need to take care of ourselves. If that means spending 3 nights (in tears because I could feel their pain) listening to them cry themselves to sleep according to the doctor’s advice, then we all learned something. (By the way, those were three of the most difficult nights of my life. Three times.)

I believe in miracles (I found my big brother when I was 50), I believe in caring and compassion (I keep McDonald’s gift cards in my car to give to homeless people who might need a hot meal), I believe in volunteering and giving back. I believe in Karma … you get what you give.

I believe in therapy (mental health and yarn). It keeps my hands busy and my heart goes into every stitch. Knitting is therapeutic for me. While I knit a garment, I think about the person who will wear it. I think about the stitches and all else falls away.

This has been a good year full of learning for me. The bumps in the road remind me to value the smooth roads. The few illnesses have reminded me to appreciate health (mine and that of those I love). Short times together remind me that I love being with my family and that there’s never enough time spent together – and that’s such a good thing because it means we love each other and get along. I miss my parents, my grandmother, my children at Christmas – good, too, because it means we’ve had good times together and I desire there to be more. I am thrilled to be making a little bit of money doing what I love and look forward to doing more of it.

I’m moving forward. As unperfect (ha! autocorrect doesn’t like that word) I am, I am enough. I am consistently working to be a better person … learning more about myself, my world, my art, eating less (and exercising more), meeting people, creating true friendships, one step, one day, one moment at a time.

Gone baking …. hey, it is Christmas! 🙂

 

Fini! (That’s French for Well-Finished!)

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Pair One through Fifteen

Well, the shipment has been sent to Massachusetts – can we hear a “hurrah!”? Whew! What a big order and what I have learned is that a simple pair of fingerless mittens takes about six hours to knit (without weaving in the ends). More complicated ones take up to eight hours. So, for fifteen pairs, that translates to over 100 hours of knitting. Tough to do in a matter of a couple of weeks and preserve the health of one’s fingers! (I can officially say that my left hand/wrist is a bit tender.)

So, what am I going to knit next? Christmas gifts, of course. I have a headband and a (*gasp*) pair of fingerless mittens first on the list. I’ve also had an order for a pair of custom-knit felted slipper socks from my Etsy shop. That will mean that I’ve sold three pairs of slipper socks, a pair of mittens, a hat … all to people who are NOT in my family! Yay, me!

I have a lot of cookie baking to do as well. My mother always made Spritz cookies at Christmas time. She was particular about decorating them which I am not. I can’t do Christmas without them! This year, I would also like to make some molasses spice cookies, chocolate crinkle cookies and peanut butter blossoms (the ones with the ginormous hershey kisses stuck in the middle of them). We’re having a little holiday gathering right before Christmas and I’d like to have a few dozen as gifts for my guests and also take a few over to my little “old lady” friend across the street. Her husband is in a nursing home – I’m sure she’s not baking this winter.

My gifts are all ordered and sent. Have bought the niece and nephews a little something – also in the mail. My kids gifts are done and gone. Now, to focus on the gifts for those who will be spending the season here in our house.

My Christmas village is calling to me – the parts are all out and the lights are in but I have to figure out where they’ll live in this house and get them set up. It’s been a couple of years since I have done the full Christmas decorating thing … and despite the fact that I won’t have my kids here this year (and no Christmas is quite right without my kids) I’m trying to have a festive and happy attitude of gratitude. I’ve got so much to be thankful for!

Gone knitting! (Or at least I’m going to think about it!)

12 1/2 … do I hear 13?

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Thirteen is off the needles.

Twelve and thirteen need their ends woven in and fourteen is on the needles. Can I tell you how happy I will be to be able to return to knitting what I WANT to knit? Does that sound ungrateful? It’s not meant to be. I’m so grateful for the two orders which will put my income at a new level … above zero! Yay for me!

I really do love knitting and want to believe that there will be a door that opens up to me so that I can use my skills and make enough money to support myself … and my little dogs. I’d like to be able to help my kids when they need it too.

Right now the situation is a bit dicey … but I know this too shall pass and I will come out the other side a better person. I’ve decided always (to at least try to) take the high road. No gossip, no kvetching, no mean-spirited manipulation. I am choosing to behave as if … as if the world is my oyster. As if I am convinced that the universe will not let me be homeless and hungry. As if the next wonderful and fulfilling career is just around the corner. As if I’m not afraid. Or lonely.

I’m so grateful for the support of the universe and my brothers and sisters (I said before that I don’t like the sister-in-law title as it seems to hold my brother’s wives outside of the inside circle.) I am one lucky girl … healthy, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, yarn in my Atelier and three healthy children. I am grateful for N. who loves me even as I collapse into a puddle. He helps me up when I am ready and on we go.

So, I have two more pairs for the big fingerless mitten order. And then a pair of felted slippers to make for an Etsy customer. Life is good. I’m making money doing what I love and the universe will provide.

Gone knitting!

Home

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Home - even if it needs paint and landscaping and there's construction trash in the front yard!

It’s not always easy to leave Maine but this time I think we were ready – or mostly ready, at least. The big Nor’Easter probably helped our readiness a bit, too. We left the house in Maine on Saturday – also dump day which is why it was the chosen day – and headed to my brother and sister-in-law’s house on Boston’s north shore. We hit snow flurries and wet snow in lower Maine and it kept up to Massachusetts but as we neared the ocean, it turned to rain. Overnight, the big October storm hit … but where we were it was no big deal so on we pushed.

The biggest mistake we made was not filling up the truck with gas at the “cheapest gas station in the world” that we pass in Salem, MA. So, when we were starting to need gas (and a pit stop, too) in Connecticut, our first stop was a total flop. No power means no fuel – no pumps working. No lights in the rest areas. Doors blocked by huge closed signs. We got off the highway no fewer that three times and each time, we were unsuccessful finding a gas station (that was most important!) with power.

My old “home-ish” towns of West Hartford and Farmington had more power lines down that I could have imagined. Since we were pulling the Hobie Cat (an 18-foot sailboat) it was a bit dicey managing turns and avoiding downed power lines and tree branches. We gave up when we hit New Britain and were planning to head to a LaQuinta hotel that we’d stayed at on our way to Maine when we found a gas station in the projects that seemed to be pumping gas. We only slightly brushed the sailboat against the bumper of another guy’s car (enough to elicit some four letter words from N but no damage to the other car) on the way in and they only had premium gas (or so they said) but we filled up and were on our way again. A near miss. And who knows how many days we’d have been stranded without gas. There are still 200,000 people in Connecticut today who don’t have power returned to their homes.

So, when the rest of the trip went off without a hitch, we were relieved and pleased and grateful. And I have to admit it’s good to be home … even if it’s Florida!

Gone knitting.

Love and Marriage

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A few years ago!

I just spent a wonderful two weeks with my brother in California. It was the most time we’ve spent together in years – perhaps decades … or since before I was married … or … well, you’ve got the idea. It’s been a long, long time. And it was wonderful!

One night in Lake Tahoe we were all in the bathroom brushing our teeth – how could such a simple activity be so sweet? He and his wife and I all in the bathroom brushing our teeth … but I’ll bet we didn’t even do that as kids. I love his wife, my new sister. She’s wise and smart and beautiful. She can swim the lake, sing, bake, drive a tractor and makes the best EVOO ever! I love hanging with her! My brother may have waited a long time to get married but it was worth the wait – he “snagged” a good one!

Since they are a “one car family” (technically, they’re still a two car family until the truck is sold – anybody want a really nice 2010 Toyota truck?) we spent a lot of time all together or two-at-a-time and it was such a great opportunity to connect on a deeper level and really share. Time, thoughts, beliefs, laughs, food (mostly vegan except for a sausage or two), dogs, poop bags, a few tears, and did I mention laughs?

I am so grateful to have been able to get out to California and can’t wait to go back.

Gone back to bed – too cold in the house without a fire! I’ll be knitting again soon! Must pack up for the move back to Florida which begins on Saturday! I think we’re ready.

 

 

Left Coast Living

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So, here I am on the “left coast” visiting with my brother Rick and his lovely (relatively new) wife and their four little dogs. It’s such fun to be with my family and to see where they live and to meet their friends. (I’ve even extended my stay already!)

I’ve had my first vegan food, spent a couple of days with my cousin and his family, feted my aunt (a bit prematurely) on her 70th birthday, had my second vegan meal and am feeling very happy to visit my brother and his lovely wife and their four shih tzus.

Cafe Gratitude in Healdsburg, CA is my new favorite place to eat. My son raved about it when he spent the summer out here with his uncle and now I know why – first hand. Yummy. Who knew that vegan food could be so yummy?

Visiting Dogville in San Anselmo

We have visited several great pet stores – and bought my littles a new harness and leash (Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday!) Had a spa day for the dogs and got a fun (and stylin’) new hair do and the fun’s not over yet.

We drove with six shih tzus from Healdsburg, CA to Lake Tahoe, NV without any growling. How do these little dogs know who belongs to the pack (and who doesn’t?)

 

Travel with Lola and Martin

Boq (front), Emma and Gus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We start every morning with tea (with some warm goat’s milk) and then head into town for a “muffin” and another cup of tea at the Flying Goat Cafe. They are currently renovating the space inside so the coffee shop has been moved to the alley outside under a tent. It’s really lovely sitting in the alley outside and might be a good permanent additions. Sitting on the sidewalk with six “matching” dogs is sure to attract a crowd – partly because the dogs are so cute and partly because it’s an unusual sight!

Tomorrow it’s off to the office for a couple of hours of work and then we’re headed into the city for the evening – manicures and pedicures are on the agenda for the ladies and business meetings for my brother. Guess we’ve got the better end of that deal!

Off to bed for some beauty sleep … another big day of fun is ahead!

Definitely not knitting!

Family Values – Valuing Family

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Most of the Family in Marblehead 2009

I know I’ve said this before … but I love my family!

N. and I have spent the last few days and nights visiting my youngest brother and his family in Marblehead, Massachusetts. If you have never visited Marblehead, it’s well worth a visit and I love being there all the time but the fall is a great time. Our visit was precipitated by my Aunt and Uncle from Lake Tahoe, NV who were in town for a couple of days on their annual New England “jaunt” and we decided to join the fun – and it was fun!

Happy Bee-day Aunt Judy!

We ate lobster (fresh-caught from my brother’s boat) and birthday cake – in  honor of said aunt – did a lot of laughing, a lot of walking around town, and experienced a first – a school district RAIN delay on Monday morning. I woke up at 5 a.m. because of an odd flashing of light which I had attributed to my cell phone but it was lightning … and then turned into a frog-strangling rain with thunder and lightning. Roads were flooded and school was delayed for 2 hours! Although my youngest nephew wanted to remember another such delay (much to his parents’ chagrin), I don’t think there has ever been such an event. We even watched (from a waterside restaurant) a sailboat being hoisted out of the harbor for the winter.

Sailboat being lifted out of Marblehead Harbor

In Salem, MA there is the most wonderful museum called the Peabody Essex which we’ve visited on numerous occasions but a cold, formerly rainy Tuesday was good enough reason for another visit. I think I like this museum because it has something for everyone – and who would ever believe that Salem would be home to such a magnificent place. We visited only a couple of the galleries but I liked the Man Ray/ Lee Miller exhibit

source: http://blindflaneur.com/2011/08/20/partners-in-surrealism-lee-miller-and-man-ray/

My nephew, who was gifted by his mother with a “learning with Auntie Linda” day, said that all the eyes gave him the creeps. I appreciated being able to see and learn about a love story (though not necessarily a healthy or happy one) and the art that was created from it. I’d heard of Man Ray in a French History class that I took which included all sorts of wonderful media references to the period – what a great class and teacher that was!

Nephew at the end of the line ("Red Line" in Salem is the Heritage Trail)

We spent a lot of time in the interactive and child-friendly Ripple Effect exhibit which, considering the weather at the start of the day, seemed timely and appropriate. The kids were particularly at home in this exhibit and I hope they learned a couple of things. They also enjoyed an tiny area in the maritime history/nautical history section nearby where there was a display of ship’s journals … we tried to read the old script handwriting and then tried to interpret what the authors were talking about. It was great – and I could share with them that their grandfather, my father, also journaled about his experience on the seas in WWII. (One day I will scan and post his journals on my family history blog chronicling the Rockwell and Dow genealogy.)

It was a great few days and I always love being with my family!

(Don’t forget to plan your trip to Salem and Marblehead!)

Gone (to do the laundry and then) knitting!

Are You Going to (Common Ground) Fair? Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme … For Fun!

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Prize Winning Posies

A great weekend with my knitting buddy, Kelly. She arrived in Bangor on Friday night … just in time for a lobster dinner at the lake and it was good!

Saturday, despite the dreary and wet weather report, we decided to chance it and head to the Common Ground Country Fair (MOFGA) in Unity. N. took the truck for his Saturday morning visit to the Transfer Station and then we hit the road – Ethel the GPS, plugged in and working hard to direct us!

The fair was excellent! And it only drizzled a little bit – enough to be bothersome for a very (very!) short while. We had such a great time and I ran into two people that I know – feels like I’m almost a native Mainer!

Here are the highlights:

Yarn! Yarn! Yarn!

Yarn! Yarn! Yarn! The displays were amazing and spread all over the fairgrounds. I bought a couple of gifts to be given on birthdays coming up. Top colorful purple/yellow/green (like Mardi Gras?) and the ivory yarns are DK weight merino and alpaca blends, very reasonably priced, from Oasis Farm Fiber Mill in Otisfield, Maine. The pale pastels yarn is from Good Karma Farm in their sea foam color way. I love the colors of this yarn and it’s a wool and alpaca blend from Belfast, Maine. I had to visit every booth at the fair (yes, I mean “every”) to decide just which ones I was taking home (since I’ve still got a few from last year that I didn’t knit yet.)

The Fiber Tent was very interesting. We touched almost every single bag of fleece. We both want to learn how to process the wool all the way from animal to knitting needles. We ogled a few spinning wheels and the Wednesday Spinners in action.

Is Your Mama a Llama? Check out that underbite!

We viewed a bunch of critters … bunnies, chickens, a very noisy guinea hen, the most beautiful turkey (Best in Show!) with copper and iridescent feathers – a truly gorgeous bird! We saw the sheep, goats, horses, a couple of llamas and oxen.

Blue Ribbon Butts!

Veggies and flowers and preserved food, oh my!

Wall of Pretty Pickles, etc.

There was a tomato that looked like a duck and lots and lots of pretty flowers, beans, beets, pumpkins, gourds, squash, beets, radishes, onions, leeks, quilts, knitting (I may have to enter next year!), potatoes, pumpkins large and small … phew! I need to take a breath!

Tomatoes are Ducky!

 

Bee-Utiful!

Beans, Beans They're Good for Your Heart!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had such a great time. We drank organic blueberry soda, ate stir fried organic veggies, some vegetable curry, pad thai, and for dessert a blueberry cheesecake cone (if you’ve never seen or heard of this, it’s worth a look for one!) The food area was simply amazing … if the day were a bit longer, we could have eaten more!

I found a really special poster from their 1998 fair … it’s un-BEE-lievably fun for this Queen Bee! It will be framed and hung in my Atelier! I’d love to show you a picture of it but it’s all wrapped up and waiting to travel!

I have only touched on a tiny corner of the iceberg (so to speak) and there was so much more to see and experience but I’ve not got the time here. Suffice it to say that while our feet and legs and hips hurt, our hearts and tummies were full and our souls were fed. It’s a great weekend, and a wonderful place to spend an hour or a whole day – next year, I’m taking my knitting and will sit and watch the people! Good for a family fun day, a girls day out or just about any “reason.”

We had a wonderful time at the Fair!

 

I See Old People

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Another road trip. To Naples, FL, this time … to visit N’s mother who is in a lovely Assisted Living facility here.

Getting old really sucks. All of her friends and her husband are dead. “Nobody” (we interpret this as “nobody who I can remember or really care about) visits her. The aides who work on her wing, at least a few of them, have a HUGE chip on their shoulders and the attitudes make her feel threatened to the point that she feels unsafe at times. I can’t imagine being dependent on people who come into your room (her only home, likely for the rest of her life) with a grimace on their face, people who can’t even grunt out a semi-pleasant greeting, who leave you sitting on the toilet knowing you can’t get yourself up or help yourself. Unacceptable behavior for “care-givers” paid to be helpful.

Visits are getting more difficult and Nanny’s getting more difficult to please as her words are becoming less numerous and more difficult to retrieve. Communication is wacky – with “no” being the first response to every inquiry but often followed by a “yes” or a few words strung together slowly. We’re finding that we have to speak more slowly and distinctly and a lot louder! We are learning a lot about patience and are able to wait much longer for her to figure out how to respond.

I wish there were a way to remove yourself from the world of the living when you feel that your life is no longer worth living and when you’ve got no quality of life.

On the flip side, it incentivizes me and reminds me to get moving and to keep my life and mind active and full today … we don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

Gone knitting!