Love to Complete

I have a confession to make. I didn’t graduate from college with my class. I didn’t finish because I didn’t apply myself. I didn’t think it was important. I had an engagement ring on my finger and thought that was all that really mattered. My parents were happy. They didn’t put up a big stink when I broke the news. They didn’t “go to bat” for me and fight it. They didn’t tell me that I could ask for a review of my work. They didn’t suggest that I fight it. I believe today that I shared in the responsibility because I really didn’t apply myself but (and it’s a big but) I also had an advisor who didn’t advise me. She said she would and she did not … because she was disappointed in my decision to not study abroad.

What is the message that I took away from my family of origin? I’m still working on erasing the belief that I’m “just a girl” and therefor come up short of everyone else. I was the second or third girl in my immediate family to graduate from college. My eldest daughter graduated before me. And actually, my middle daughter may have too. But I am very proud of it, none the less. It’s been sticking in my craw (what’s a craw?) for years. Having something undone for years and years is unsettling. I was embarrassed that I hadn’t graduated. I felt that I was lying when I didn’t specify that I didn’t graduate during an interview or when meeting people. I felt that I had somehow failed at life.

My Diploma!

I am very proud to have finished my degree. It was a brave thing that I did, returning to college as a 50 year-old undergrad. It took me wayyyyy  more effort than it would have when I was younger – I don’t care what anybody says, when you’re older, learning and studying is a different beast! But I did it. All by myself. And I did it well.

I still wonder who I want to be when I grow up but I’m getting there. I want to be whole, complete, happy, confident, comfortable in my own skin. I want to help people to better understand themselves. I want to help children – I love children – and families. I know I have a story in me. I know I have wisdom to share. I want to participate in the world and make it a better place. I want to love and care for my grown children and see my grandchildren. I want the love of a good man. I want to see the world. I want a career that fills me up and uses my creativity, passion and common sense. I want to finish well.

Bear’s brown (short) socks

That said, I’ve finished three projects today. A pair of brown socks (his request and his dimensions) for my wonderful son. A bookmark from the yarn I “won” in our knitting group reunion gift exchange, and the Senorita Lolita sweater made with the Koigu skeinettes from Jimmy Beans Wools.

Blocking the Senorita Lolita Sweater
– a Queen Bee Knits Original Design

So, for today, finished projects are good and make me feel successful. I am eagerly awaiting casting on some new projects … knitting projects and life projects. And when they’re done, I’ll be even more satisfied with the me I am becoming.

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