Tag Archives: fear

Back In Business!

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Woo! Hoo! Finally and just in time, I’m back! This has been a particularly challenging three weeks or so since I decided to get smart and change my website from one host to another … and lost my “entire website”! But thanks to the powers that be on WordPress, GoDaddy and Host Gator, I’m back in business.

This experience has made me really fearful of changing the hosting service that I’ve been using but it’s way more expensive and way more “advanced” than what I need. Since Queen Bee Knits is just me chatting about knitting and what I am doing and learning, I don’t see any reason to pay nearly $100 a year to have the site hosted. So, I am hoping to make another change over to WordPress … but my site is on their .org site and I need to move to their .com site.

Crossing my fingers and toes in hopes that I can do this successfully this time! I’m moving forward.

Gone  … not really knitting!

Philomena

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Last night we watched the movie “Philomena”. It touched my heart and offered me a perspective that opened my eyes to what my mother must have felt when she, too, had a baby boy taken from her.

I’ve written here before about my big brother who I found out about after my mother passed away. I wonder what my mother thought about her baby. Did she, like Philomena, think about him every day? Did she wonder if he was happy and healthy?

Mom’s cousin was the only other person to know about my brother. She said that my mother was fearful that he would try to find her and upset her life. The world is such a different place today … and such was the shame placed on pregnant and unmarried women in the 1950s. Philomena Lee was powerless when her son was sold by the nuns. My mother felt compelled to “go away” and give away her firstborn child so that her life wouldn’t be destroyed by an unwed pregnancy. I’m certain that a girl from a poor family from “the wrong side of the river” (as my father not-so-kindly reminded her on a regular basis) felt that her reputation would be ruined and she had no choice.

My mother loved her family, loved children and animals and I’m certain that she thought about her baby boy every day. She thought about him when the seasons changed, wondering if he was warm when it snowed, when the forsythia bloomed; on Easter and Christmas and his birthday. On his first day of kIndergarten. When he turned 16 and learned to drive. I’m sure she wondered what color hair he had. Who he looked like. What he loved to do. (One of his passions was shared by mom – tennis!)

When Alzheimer’s Disease began chipping away at her memory in her late 50s, was it a relief? Did the pain of wondering and the fear of discovery lessen with the progression of the disease? Were my parents’ diseases physical manifestations of their secret? Dad suffered from depression, alcoholism and heart disease. Was his heart broken that this first son was given away? Did he drink to forget? Did it help to lessen the fear that their lives could be “disrupted”? Was it easier for my mother to just slip into her failed memory?

My parents took their secret to the grave. I will never have an answer. I can only imagine how they felt. Seeing “Philomena” last night helped me see the situation a little more clearly despite the similar and dissimilar situation.

I hope that mom is able to see him now, happily re-united with his brothers and sister. I hope she knows that he is happy, healthy and loved. Life is good.

Gone knitting.

On Feeling Safe & Facing Fear

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Our world is not as safe a place as it used to be. Children are kidnapped. College students are murdered. Homes are burgled in broad daylight. Even the old staple, rice, isn’t safe any more!

I wish it was different.

I’ve noticed, lately, that I don’t feel safe walking in my neighborhood. I have never noticed that feeling before (that I can remember, anyway!) When I really take the time to think about it, there are some good reasons for the feelings and I have realized that I can make certain choices to face the feelings and work to change my thinking OR I can choose to live in fear and nothing will change … at least not in any reasonable time-frame.

In my relationships, I can clearly and calmly talk about my feelings and my thoughts about them. I have lived in a relationship that was seriously flawed, built on deception, and that will not be acceptable in my life in any other relationship at any time. I’ve found out a lot about who my real friends are in the last few years and it’s been hurtful but I’ve also learned a lot. Friends who I can’t lean on in the tough times, those who have abandoned me at the most difficult hour are not deserving of my friendship. Period. Now that I’ve done some healing post-divorce, I am more clear about that than ever before and each friendship is examined periodically to make sure that it’s still “working” for me.

In my working world, I’ve been dragging my feet to commit to one thing or the other. While applying for jobs all over the country, I’ve decided to commit to myself. I love my knitting and teaching knitting and I have to figure out how to turn that into a small profitable business for me until my physical yarn/knitting shop opportunity opens itself to me.

My brother, a California retirement advisor & investment genius (not that I’m partial or proud) tells me that I am in pretty good shape financially and so I have to trust that the universe will take care of me and act “as if” it is all falling into place. So, I will start searching for people who want to learn to knit individually and in small groups! I’ve also started my facebook page, Knitting Lessons. Proof that I am moving forward with my passion and expecting something wonderful to happen!

So, I am choosing to set walk into and through my fear. Trusting that the universe will provide for me and willing to take the steps to do whatever it takes! I’ll be rinsing my rice and eating no more than two servings a week. I’ll be watching less TV news. I’ll be making a gratitude list and acknowledging my blessings every day. Look out world, here I come!

Gone knitting!