Defining a Life

Healthy, Happy, Whole

Sometimes people disappoint you. Sometimes you disappoint people. I was asked today what it was that I would never forgive myself for … and when I answered, I found myself in tears. I always know that when the tears come, I’ve hit a truth. But the good news is that I am healing. After a long marriage to a man who bullied me (as my father did), I am healing. That feels so good. I’m starting to come into my own.

I’ve always felt that I am a strong woman. That I’m capable. That I’m a good mother and partner. I am a good sister, daughter, friend. But I’ve looked to others for confirmation. No longer. I do need to know that I can provide for myself … I can earn a living and don’t have to be dependent on anybody else for my support. It may be a choice but it’s not my “lot in life”.

Not again. Never again.

I will not be bullied. I will not be defined by others. My opinion matters and I need not look to others for my value. I am enough. I am worthy of great things. I am loveable, strong, important. Everything is going to be alright. The time is now. The best is yet to come!

Gone knitting.

Jane Fonda On Being Perfect vs. Whole

Almost every day I try to take a little time to “wander around” on the Internet. The World Wide Web. It’s amazing how much time I can spend going from site to site without a clue about where I’ll land. And I love how much I learn! This morning, I started on email and then Facebook and then somehow got to Pinterest and then to OWN (Oprah’s new foray) where I found this video “Masterclass” by Jane Fonda that really resonated with me – being raised to value what others thought about how and who I should be.

This started me thinking about myself (since I’m on a path to self-awareness and discovery) and I thought about a session that I had with my therapist yesterday in which she pointed out something that I had totally missed.

As I’ve chronicled here on this blog before, I have been “unemployed” in the real world, anyway, for two years. All the time I’ve been applying for jobs in our area here in Florida and have recently expanded my search to other areas around the country – places where I have some contact with friends or family so I don’t have to start all over again … well, at least I hope not. Anyway, I’ve, to date, been unsuccessful but remain hopeful.

The View from my Desk

Yesterday I was sharing that I had cleaned off my bulletin board and was going to make it a vision board (in so many terms) of what I wanted to have more of in my life. I had taken all of the clutter down and only left up a few things that I really liked … a bee postcard from my French daughter, a “Bee Happy” card from a Cincinnati friend, a “Please Knit Now” postcard my knitting teacher brought to our Maine group from England, a page from an old Rockwell book with our family crest, a note from a happy client, a great bee card that I found in Maine this past summer and another card from a co-worker in Ohio. I also have my lobster claw mitts and a couple of Dove chocolate wrappers – “Live your dreams” and “Do all things with love”.

My therapist was nearly laughing at me. “You’ve already done it,” she said. I was clueless. In essence, she told me that I had already put up things that were my vision – bees and knitting … that the universe is telling me to follow my passion with knitting and Queen Bee Knits and perhaps even suggesting that I should forego more job hunting and focus on what’s right in front of my face … Queen Bee Knits. I was in tears (happy tears, but tears none-the-less).

I have several ideas that I need to follow up on that should bring me some additional revenue streams and I have at least one idea for a book that I’d like to write. Perhaps that’s a good way for me to go … it’s terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. But if I can realize that nobody has to be perfect (as Jane did), then I am going to give it a try! I’m still searching for the “perfect” idea but I am so desiring the idea of being whole.

Gone knitting!