Queen Bee Knits

Knitting, Living, Loving, Baking, Tips, Tools and Idle Chatter

Moved to Tears

Posted on March 30, 2012 by Queen Bee Knits

Several times in the last week or so, I’ve been moved to tears.

Those who really know me wouldn’t be at all surprised. My heart is worn on my sleeve. And now that I’m starting to come out of the post-divorce fog, I am finding my heart to be more vulnerable than it has been in a long while.

Compassion for the people who feel unlovable. For those who have been beaten. For those who are lonely. Even for one person who has hurt me very badly but is hurting himself even more. Gratitude for my friends and family who listen and advise and support me so completely. There are fewer friends and more family and I am so lucky. I have a man who would drive for four days to support me as I support my kids – even if it means pizza and bagels and half-price book shopping by ourselves and 2,000 miles on the road for a dinner with my kids. Love for my brothers and my sisters and my children and the love of my life. Love for my “old” Roomie who is still my bestest buddy 36 years later!

I may not be wealthy right now but I’m certainly rich – rich with blessings of people who love me and for that I’m so lucky. Life is full of silver linings. I’m so glad that I can find them today.

Gone knitting.

On the Road Again

Posted on March 24, 2012 by Queen Bee Knits

Happy!

This is a happy woman. Toes in the sand (even if it’s not salty) and surrounded by my kids. Not sure that there’s anything better. It was hot and I had cooler weather clothes but I was so happy to be able to be there with them.

On the road to Cincinnati to support my kids through a rough spot. There is nothing in the world that is more important than my kids and I will write more soon.

Gone driving!

“Worthy”, your honor!

Posted on March 8, 2012 by Queen Bee Knits

"Little Linda" - 1 year old

I grew up in a family that didn’t value females. I was born just shy of 2 years after my parents, then unmarried, gave up their firstborn son for adoption. I was born sixteen months before my younger brother – nearly my Irish twin! They welcomed another son five years after me. I continued that path of worthlessness when I married a man, now my ex, who didn’t value my contribution as a stay-at-home mom (despite significant support from my family in the difficult times).

In the years since my divorce, I’m learning that I am worthy. Have been all along. Unfortunately, nobody told me that I was wonderful and beautiful and smart and all the other good things that I was. Nobody really saw me. I was invisible. A girl sandwiched between a lost son and two more sons. I have come to believe that my parents were probably disappointed when their “firstborn” (at least the one they talked about publicly) was a girl. I didn’t quite measure up to the boy that they wanted. And I never really measured up in their eyes.

I read a wonderful blog post today and want to share it with my readers (I know you’re out there!) I’m sure I’m not the only one who will be grateful to read the insightful post by Danielle LaPorte on the Positively Positive website this morning. Her blog is titled, “A Declaration of Deserving … Just Because You’re Here“. It confirms to me what I have come to believe and made me smile this morning through tears of gratitude. Because I’m learning that I’ve always been worthy and I can now feel worthy … just because I’m here.

Gone Knitting!

I Won’t Grow Up!

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Queen Bee Knits

I know that when Peter Pan sang that growing up song, he didn’t want to have to assume the responsibilities of adulthood. I will accept those, but I sure as can be don’t want to get old and grumpy and alone.

My parents both died too young. One from (presumably) a heart attack and the other from Alzheimer’s Disease (she was gone years before she died). My grandmother died all of a sudden and was happy and active until “her time” came. The other grandmother was really old (96) and was bedridden and ready to go.

N’s mother is struggling with (I’m not sure if it’s life or) death. She is miserable. She is lonely and bored but refuses to get out of her chair and her room. I’d be stir crazy too if I was in the same room 24/7! But when her caregivers or we ask to take her outside, does she say, “yes! sure.” Nope. Will she go to the dining room? Nope.

I want to be active and healthy and, maybe most important of all, happy! Kick me when I get to feeling sorry for myself, will you? I will grow up if I can do it without attacking my children and facing each day with dread!

Gone sitting.

Looking at the Open Door

Posted on January 12, 2012 by Queen Bee Knits

I’m ready to start a new life. Not really a new, new life. Just a new one. While I know that this is somewhat confusing to all of you, I know exactly what I’m talking about. I am ready to stop revisiting the old stuff. I’m ready to forgive and forget and move on. I want to be surrounded in positive, healthy and forward-looking.

What’s done is done. My old life is old. It will never be the same again. I can’t go back there. My life has been forever changed by this divorce and everything that I believed to be true was proved false by a cheating (now ex-) husband. But he didn’t just lie to me and our kids; he lied to himself and he has to live with that for the rest of his life. I can forgive him and move on knowing that I did everything I could to make our marriage work. I did everything I could to make the process of separating and divorcing be fair and kind. I hoped to be able to have a friendship (of sorts) because we will forever be connected by our children. He doesn’t know how to play fair and won’t take responsibility for his behavior then or now and, again, he will have to live with the consequences of his choices.

I am working to be forward thinking. Today. Tomorrow. And for each day thereafter. I am so fortunate to have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have three healthy kids and two darling puppies, wonderful siblings, friends, and a man who loves me. I’m counting my blessings even as my ex is trying to undermine my positive attitude. He sucked me back into his whirling dervish tornado of abuse and sick thinking for a brief time today and I allowed it. But I’m back on track tonight and next time (if there is one) I will do even better at keeping my pledge.

I have a good feeling about 2012! I’ve turned around and I’m looking at the open door!

Gone knitting (after a bit of sleep!)

Thinking Ahead

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Queen Bee Knits

Happier 2012

I’m thinking ahead to the New Year. 2011 was a tough one – and it’s not over yet. I still have one thing to deal with … deals with the devil have a habit of spreading negativity and destruction in a very wide swath. I’m facing it, though, with grace.

The holidays were tough but 2011 hasn’t been all bad – I got to see all three kids in Maine this summer and the oldest one came back for more and brought her sweetie and dog for several days. I think those were the highlights of the year. My business has grown and I’m clearer about what I will (and won’t) accept in my life.

In 2012 I want to be happier. I want to continue to block out the negativity of others – even if it means cutting them out of my life. I want to eat clean food and feed clean food to my darling doggers. I will continue to find alternatives to having chemical cleaners in my home. I have to do something about these sore knees that don’t like to bend more than 90 degrees. I want to exercise more and drink less. I need to seek more abundance – not only monetary abundance but abundance of all good things … love, fun, travel, acceptance, health, family … and yarn! 😛

I’m working toward being a Master Knitter with the Knitting Guild and have signed up for classes with Annie Modesitt. I’d like to find a graduate level class in social work or counseling – only one for the time being. In lieu of that, maybe an Art History or pottery (wheel). I need to find some opportunities to get out and meet people – starting with volunteering at our local elementary school as a mentor (after the official training, of course!).

2012 is going to be a much better year! I can feel it!

Gone knitting.

I Believe …

Posted on December 22, 2011 by Queen Bee Knits

1992

I’m not a huge fan of Christmas. I’ve always liked Thanksgiving best.

Christmas was OK when my children were little … nothing like the excitement of Santa Claus early (very early) on Christmas morning … it’s believing in miracles that is so sweet with children.

Now, when my children are grown (and Christmas stuff is out before Halloween), … it’s way too commercial. People are all in a hurry and seem to forget that they’re not the only ones driving (there have been two fatal accidents close to here in the last week) or shopping or whatever-they’re-doing. I’m not sure if this is because of the season or the lack of people-contact that we have in our world today. We seem to have no realization that our actions can impact the life of someone else.

That being said, here are some things that I believe.

I believe that every house should have only one television … and maybe none at all but I realize that’s unrealistic. When we all are able to go to our own corners and watch whatever we want whenever we want, we learn selfishness. When we learn selfishness and then are rewarded with gifts galore, we learn entitlement. Selfishness and entitlement are not pretty when they combine.

I believe that we need to give something of ourselves away. By that I mean giving gifts (anonymous donations, hand-made and sent away, something from the heart) that we have absolutely no expectation of getting anything in return. This year I’ve knitted a hat for a baby in Maine as part of the Period of Purple Crying project. Nobody (well, maybe you who read this blog will know) even knows that I donated a hat. I hope the baby that wears that hat is warm and safe this Christmas. Nobody knows that I sent another had to a soldier … I’m hoping that soldier is coming home this Christmas. I’ve read about K-Mart shoppers having their layaway items paid for and Caribou Coffee orders paid for. This is great giving and just what the spirit of the season is all about – giving freely, no strings attached. When strings are attached, it’s not really a gift at all. It’s a bribe, a manipulation and nobody likes being manipulated.

I believe that we need to search our souls to find out what we believe. How we want to live our lives. How we want to be treated and, thus, how we will commit to treating others. The “golden rule” … “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” is not a bad way to live. We left our summer house clean with crisp air-dried sheets on the beds, floors swept, kitchen clean, fridge stocked. We leave hotel rooms with a tip for the maid (tips= “to insure proper service”) because we appreciate the clean sheets and towels. We leave the beaches and hiking trails with gathered from the surf and sand and woods trash. Left behind by selfish, thoughtless, litterers who didn’t think about how beautiful the woods were in Maine in July. Someone who couldn’t be bothered to carry his Coke can down the trail to the garbage can at the parking lot. (See paragraph 2 about selfishness and entitlement combining.)

1984

I believe that we can’t spoil a baby with love. Babies require copious amounts of holding and hugging and kissing and cooing. Require! And in order to be able to provide all that loving, we need to take care of ourselves. If that means spending 3 nights (in tears because I could feel their pain) listening to them cry themselves to sleep according to the doctor’s advice, then we all learned something. (By the way, those were three of the most difficult nights of my life. Three times.)

I believe in miracles (I found my big brother when I was 50), I believe in caring and compassion (I keep McDonald’s gift cards in my car to give to homeless people who might need a hot meal), I believe in volunteering and giving back. I believe in Karma … you get what you give.

I believe in therapy (mental health and yarn). It keeps my hands busy and my heart goes into every stitch. Knitting is therapeutic for me. While I knit a garment, I think about the person who will wear it. I think about the stitches and all else falls away.

This has been a good year full of learning for me. The bumps in the road remind me to value the smooth roads. The few illnesses have reminded me to appreciate health (mine and that of those I love). Short times together remind me that I love being with my family and that there’s never enough time spent together – and that’s such a good thing because it means we love each other and get along. I miss my parents, my grandmother, my children at Christmas – good, too, because it means we’ve had good times together and I desire there to be more. I am thrilled to be making a little bit of money doing what I love and look forward to doing more of it.

I’m moving forward. As unperfect (ha! autocorrect doesn’t like that word) I am, I am enough. I am consistently working to be a better person … learning more about myself, my world, my art, eating less (and exercising more), meeting people, creating true friendships, one step, one day, one moment at a time.

Gone baking …. hey, it is Christmas! 🙂

12 1/2 … do I hear 13?

Posted on December 11, 2011 by Queen Bee Knits

Thirteen is off the needles.

Twelve and thirteen need their ends woven in and fourteen is on the needles. Can I tell you how happy I will be to be able to return to knitting what I WANT to knit? Does that sound ungrateful? It’s not meant to be. I’m so grateful for the two orders which will put my income at a new level … above zero! Yay for me!

I really do love knitting and want to believe that there will be a door that opens up to me so that I can use my skills and make enough money to support myself … and my little dogs. I’d like to be able to help my kids when they need it too.

Right now the situation is a bit dicey … but I know this too shall pass and I will come out the other side a better person. I’ve decided always (to at least try to) take the high road. No gossip, no kvetching, no mean-spirited manipulation. I am choosing to behave as if … as if the world is my oyster. As if I am convinced that the universe will not let me be homeless and hungry. As if the next wonderful and fulfilling career is just around the corner. As if I’m not afraid. Or lonely.

I’m so grateful for the support of the universe and my brothers and sisters (I said before that I don’t like the sister-in-law title as it seems to hold my brother’s wives outside of the inside circle.) I am one lucky girl … healthy, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, yarn in my Atelier and three healthy children. I am grateful for N. who loves me even as I collapse into a puddle. He helps me up when I am ready and on we go.

So, I have two more pairs for the big fingerless mitten order. And then a pair of felted slippers to make for an Etsy customer. Life is good. I’m making money doing what I love and the universe will provide.

Gone knitting!

Fingerless Mitts Galore!

Posted on December 5, 2011 by Queen Bee Knits

Well, I can’t say that I have been knitting too much … such is the way the wind blows when I’m with my family.

But we did visit the Yarn Nook in Lafayette, LA a couple of days ago and, of course, I HAD to buy something. I settled (after making several circles around the shop … touching yarns and looking at samples and chatting with the ladies who work there) on a couple balls of Cascade Yarns 220 Superwash in two color ways … and I intend to make up a couple pairs of fingerless mittens as Christmas gifts (if there are enough hours to get my order done and then knit gifts, too!) My intention is to make the Commuter Fingerless Gloves from Knitty dot com. They’re fun because they’re a little bit different – they button up or roll down and button to cover up your chilly fingers.

Bought some really cool Malibrigo yarn to make a Bandana Cowl for the Queen Bee. Pattern is found on Ravelry or through the Purl Soho website (PurlSoho dot com) and is free, if my memory is accurate. I really like the yarn – it’s got a wonderful hand and the color way is so perfect for this Queen Bee – black and yellow and golds (among a few others!)

I also bought a new pattern for felted slippers. French Press Knits has a really cute pattern called French Press Felted Slippers … they look just like ballet flats with a strap and button. I’m eager to get rolling making something other than fingerless mittens … and I’m nearly there!

Meanwhile, I’m going to end this blogging and go back to playing with my Great Nephew … just for today!

Gone playing!

Philosophy of a Business

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Queen Bee Knits

We had dinner at a restaurant called Avatar in Sausalito. The owner, Ashok, is at first glance, a happy man. Sit at the “bar” at his restaurant and you’ll find out why he’s so happy – he’s a food scientist and psychologist who will make you the best food you’ll ever have in your life. “You’ll want to lick the plate,” he told me. (And I did – want to, that is!) Ashok loves what he does every day. He loves his life and business.

Every year on the day before Thanksgiving, Ashok opens his door to the community and feeds all the people who walk through the door – last year it was over 1,000 – for free. Wine, beer, food, all free. FREE! Last year my brother worked in his kitchen for the event and this year both he and his beautiful wife will be there.

I’ve always heard that if you want to receive, you have to give and the bounty that this good-hearted man receives is (in part) due to his participation in giving back to his community. Or, I would contend, he really gives to his community – daily! He’s giving of himself – tell him what you FEEL like eating and he’ll prepare you a delightful dish. He’ll also look you in the eye, shake your hand, smile at you and remember your name. He’s thankful that you’ve chosen to eat at Avatar.

Blessings – gone knitting.