Tag Archives: gratitude

On Losing One’s Self

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I’m reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed. If you’ve ever been married, are married or are thinking about getting married one day, it’s a good read and may teach you a thing or two about the institution of marriage. Ultimately, her story has a happy ending …

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Gilbert’s first marriage ended, suffice it to say, in a flaming ball of fire. And upon falling in love a second time, she was skeptical about entering into another marriage. I can get this! Having “failed” once, who wants to go running back for more? I don’t care how much one loves somebody, it’s a frightening concept to try again at something that didn’t work the first time.

Some of Gilbert’s research is interesting and I hadn’t realized that men benefit more from being married than women do (although it makes sense.) Apparently men are happier, healthier and more financially stable when they are married. Women, however, don’t benefit nearly as well. Income is likely to drop by seven percent for married women. They are more likely to suffer from depression and die in a catastrophic accident. Maybe because most married women are so stretched … working, caring for a husband, children and home is a lot of work and the book says that most men don’t share equally in the household or child-rearing responsibilities. It is also said that women who wait to get married until they’re more established are more likely to be happier when they’re married. So, having read most of this quick read, my advice to women is WAIT!

I was a “baby” when I got married at twenty-two and had my first child when I was twenty-six. I absolutely agree with Gilbert that you can lose yourself in marriage. Especially when there are children. I have been reclaiming myself for the last few years. I’m not saying that I have regrets because being able to stay at home and parent my three kids was a blast. I really enjoyed it and I was (and am) a good parent. Anyway, I loved volunteering in my community and we had a great neighborhood babysitting co-op when the kids were little so I had a great support system. My children became my life and I let myself slip to the back of the line. Everyone else’s needs came first (partly because they were more vocal, I think) and I didn’t understand the premise that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t care for everyone else. Needless to say, when my youngest went off to school, my world came crashing down in a horrible bout of depression that put me in bed for nearly six weeks. It was debilitating and frightening and there were times when I truly believed that I was going to die. One of my doctors wanted to do a spinal tap and that’s what sent me to a new doc who diagnosed my with depression and put  me on medication and, sure enough, after a couple of weeks I was able to get myself out of bed and out into the sunshine and back into life. It was the start of me taking time for myself and investing in myself – I started walking regularly and seeing a great therapist (or three) who have helped guide me to knowing myself.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to be able to get off the meds and haven’t had a relapse in years. I used to have a bit of a “down turn” at the end of summer when the kids went back to school. No dancing in the aisles at Staples for me! I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and can get upset, don’t get me wrong. I’ve spent several days at a time in my house/apartment/condo when my mother died and I was grieving. I did the same several months later when we buried her. The good news is that I know where to go when I need to get help and I now have the tools that I need to get myself back “on track”. I’m a lot happier when I remember to do something for me … and my knitting feeds that piece!

And now, I find myself in love with a man who (I think) would like to get married again. Some days I feel like that would be wonderful and some days not so much. Isn’t living together enough? So, I continue to invest in myself and follow my heart …

Silent Night – almost

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We sat on the front porch tonight listening to the silence.

The rain had stopped and it felt good just to get some fresh air.

The fog was rolling across the lake and filling up the valleys between the trees on the other side. Fluffy. Thin enough to see through in some places and pea soup thick in others. There was a loon fishing – moving from the left of the house to the right of the house on three or four breaths – and a pair of Canada geese flying through the fog just above the water. Honking to each other all the way up the lake. I could sometimes see them in the foggy misty white and then they’d disappear.

The people in the big house across the lake must have arrived for the weekend and were banging open their house. It’s a mile across but when the lake is mirror smooth, you can hear everything. Even from a mile away.

And as we sat, the fog rolled closer. Obscuring the ability to differentiate between the water and the fog and the clouds in the sky.

Until a bat flew over the water and we couldn’t tell if it was one bat or two.

And now, the loons are outside calling their calls. It’s apparently mating season but we’ve missed the sounds because of the sound of the rain on the roof. Their calls are one of the reasons that I love this place so much and am grateful to be here.

The Crane in Maine Stays Mainly on the … Messalonskee

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Sandhill Cranes

This afternoon we were on an errand run and we drove past two young men standing by the side of the road, we thought they had cameras but they were binoculars and telescopes. They were looking out over the marshy area at the bottom (or was it the top?) of the lake; our lake! … In the snap of an eye, Ned had the truck turned around and was out of the door. Luckily it was put into park or I’d have been trying to get over into the driver’s seat! The men, apparently, were looking to see Sandhill Cranes  … who are known to roost here on our lake!

I got on the Internet to research this phenomenon and it seems that while they’re common all over Florida, Sandhill Cranes are rare in Maine. In fact, they’re listed as a rare bird sighting on the Maine Audubon Website. Suffice it to say, I am shocked and amazed that our Florida bird friends are also here in Maine.

You may not know that I’m a (almost) life long bird-lover. I grew up in Avon, Connecticut on top of Avon Mountain. Much to my mother’s chagrin, we moved from suburbia with sidewalks and neighbors, close to everything, to the woods … and with three young children mom became a taxi driver! We grew up watching the birds with our father and our most wonderful babysitter, Lucinda (Lou) Kehoe. We learned to identify birds and some of their songs and lots of wildflowers and other woodland plants.

Pileated Woodpecker

It should not be a surprise, then, that we love the birds here in Maine (and also in Florida). There are so many birds that bring me back to my childhood. The day before yesterday, we were out taking a walk with the dogs and we saw a Pileated Woodpecker.

Dad always shushed us as kids because he’d heard a Pileated.

Dad searched see the Roseate Spoonbill. These birds, to the best of my knowledge, never showed themselves to my dad but since I’ve been living in Florida, I’ve actually seen some at the Canaveral National Seashore! They remind me a bit of Jimmy Durante (if you don’t know him, look him up!) with their long proboscis! Dad would be so proud of his ornithologically-inclined daughter!

Roseate Spoonbill

The Maine Audubon guys had also seen a Bald Eagle – I’m never going to get over the excitement that I feel when I see an eagle. Once, in Florida, when on an air boat ride with my two younger kids, the driver of the boat did one of those over the grass wide turns and up from the marshy land flew not one but TWO bald eagles … side by side. Oh. My. Goodness. That was an amazing sight! (And because I pointed them out to him, he let me drive the air boat for a bit!

We’ve seen Bald Eagles here in Maine – the winter we came up, there was one circling over the woods at the top of the driveway where we had to park the car because the driveway wasn’t plowed (and the snow was thigh-high!) They are magnificent birds and thrilling to see outside of captivity. (The only eagles that I’d seen before moving to Florida were in a huge flight cage at the Cincinnati Zoo; magnificent in it’s own right … until I saw a wild one in flight!)

Wildlife is so much fun to witness … loons, hummingbirds, gulls, common mergansers (the boy and the girl barely look like the same species!), great blue herons, moose, deer, ground hogs (aka woodchuck) and others too numerous to mention. And right now, before the real summer season begins, we’re able to see more nature and without the aggravation of boats on the lake or noisy neighbors! It’s wonderful to get away from the “real world” and sit and watch the lake and the sky. We’re so fortunate to be able to live in this wonderful spot … even for a few months.

 

 

Crazy Socks … Northward Ho!

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An uneventful trip north this year. Orlando to Atlanta to Cincinnati to Belgrade!

Day 1- Atlanta and a brief overnight visit with the best “Roomie” in the world, my friend Carrie. She’s about the only brave soul who would have us visit with our four-legged brood. And especially with the crazy old Cushingoid cocker who is like having seventeen puppies all rolled into one – we’re never sure if he’s housebroken or if he’ll eat the paintings off the wall.

Day 2 – Cincinnati and a 21st Birthday dinner with my son, my ex-husband and his boyfriend. Long story short, my ex had picked the dinner spot and it was obscenely expensive and not the most wonderful food ever. Over $500 for five and we only had a glass of wine and my ex’s boyfriend doesn’t drink. The plus side was, however, that I got to spend a few hours with my son. He is a very special kid and I was so happy to see him.

Day 3 – Rochester, NY which is on the way to Maine and there’s nothing special there. It was so windy, however, that the Hobie Cat was blowing away (and the sail wasn’t even up!)

trying to relaxThis is a photo from the back seat on day 4 on the way to Marblehead, MA and my youngest brother and his family. Too bad my little boy isn’t getting relaxed in the back seat! He does make us laugh with his antics. We love to visit my brother and his family. My three nephews are growing taller and handsomer every time we see them. Ninth grade, sixth grade and fifth grade this year and they’re all involved in various sports, etc. Ski and snowboarding season is now over so it’s time for track and baseball. Max (our Cocker) got bitten by Caspian (my brother’s German shepherd) who he fought for a ball but still a fun albeit brief visit.

in the bag?One more photo from day 5 when we stopped at LL Bean this is what I found in the back seat. My little boy, again, this time he’s chosen to sit in my computer bag instead of the seat … go figure. We had to stop in Freeport to get a warm jacket (we also found a jacket for poor old Max who’s losing his hair and shivers or shakes all the time, a couple of gifts for later this summer, and I found a great corduroy shirt that I’ve coveted … and it was on sale! Woo HOO!) After a quick lunch, on to Belgrade and “opening camp”. It’s a lot of work but it seemed like more this year. By the time we got the first floor of the house all wiped down and disinfected and swept out (not too much mouse evidence this year and no skulls), the furniture unwrapped, sopped up the puddle on the bed from the leaking master bedroom roof, and then unpacked the car and put away the groceries, we were beat! Thank God for the good old electric blanket. We climbed into bed and slept like babies and I didn’t get up until nearly 8 am which is unusual because we have no window coverings on the windows and it gets light early here! I did hear the loons calling in the middle of the night but it’s such a sweet sound, I smiled and rolled over.

I had a lot of fun knitting a second pair of stash-busting crazy socks on the way up here. They’re really cute. The first pair went to my sister, Kathy, for her birthday. This pair will likely be a gift for some lucky soul, too. I think they’re fun and they certainly are colorful! The best news is that I still have a ton more bits and pieces of sock yarn to make a few more pairs.

Another 1976 miles of road trip adventure … (ha! That was the year Ned and I first started dating. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not! Life is good!

 

Three Hours and Counting …

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T minus three hours and counting …

We’re getting ready for another trip and I’ll be happy when all the stuff is in the truck and off. Atlanta tonight and dinner with a great pal, my old college roomie who always has room for us – even with three dogs (and one who’s crazy! I know it’s not his fault, he’s really sick but it sure looks on the outside like he’s kooky!) Since we’re going north, I have to think about wearing warm clothes because it’s nowhere near as summery there as it is here. Hopefully it’s warm enough that we can turn on the water and not have the pipes freeze (and I don’t have to use the outhouse!)

Life’s sure an adventure! I’m really lucky to be able to travel and blog and knit for a living … let’s hope my new designs are a big success and I can keep this up (and add a little bit of income to the picture!)

Gone knitting!

Decorating for Easter & Munchkins in my Atelier

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So, we had a party last night to celebrate the fabulous new kitchen that we’ve just finished. It was fun to cook in a functional kitchen … and one that is more than a “one butt” kitchen, where we could both be doing things at the same time. While N. was making chili at the stove, I was chopping veggies … I had forgotten how sore my legs get when I’m standing in place for a long time!

Two friends brought their children with them and while it’s really not a problem, there was some mess to clean up from because directions given weren’t followed and I wasn’t paying attention. “Soup” was being made in the water dish in my Atelier … with the “sea glass” in two of my three sea glass ornaments on my (now) Easter tree. When I suggested to the kids that they shouldn’t touch things that belong to other people, the 4-year-old reply was “but I know how”. Great. The puddle of water in the corner of the room, the bits of glass all over the floor, the spilled essential oils (which were on the top shelf and can only be reached by inquisitive children who are standing on my work table, etc. just remind me that I’m way too old to want to be a parent again. Thank God my little darlings are grown and know better than to pick up dogs that go running away from you when you approach. Lola and Boq were hiding in their crates in our bedroom by the time the doorbell rang for the last time – they’d surely had enough of a good thing.

I’m grateful, however, for the beautiful kitchen that Pat and Roger and the other talented craftsmen helped us to create and I’m grateful for the friends who gathered around us to celebrate friendship and an end of a home renovation “challenge”.

Lacey Thong on the Beach – Merry Christmas!

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And what a Christmas it was!

You’ll notice I wasn’t blogging because I was trying to finish all the knitting projects for gifts and get everything purchased, wrapped, packed and mailed to my family all over the country. Big brother in LA, sister in AZ, brother in CA, brother in MA and kids in OH, IL, and GA/NY. I love having a growing family! Who knew that it would be increasing exponentially after I turned 50!?

In addition to all that Christmas buzz, my younger brother decided to get married in CA on the Winter Solstice. He’s only 51 years old and never been married! We were all invited to share the nuptials and a week of family time at Stinson Beach, CA.

This is my handsome brother (who wore a suit!) and his lovely bride. My new sister. I still get all teary-eyed when I look at them together. They are truly soul mates. They met in a coffee shop and Abbie tried to match my brother up with her friend Julie. Three years later, they were a match made in heaven. It was the most beautiful wedding ceremony that I’ve ever been privileged to witness – intimate, personal, every bit a reflection of them as a couple.

They aren’t Jewish but with respect for all cultures were married under a huppa (chuppa) which represents the home that the couple will build. Sweet! My brother, the bridegroom, and my son (who wears a different name in California) built the huppa in the garage. When it was time to bring it to the beach-side patio wedding site, it was too big to bring through the house and to wide to bring around the house. So, in typical fashion, it went over the house! Here are my brothers and my sweetie on the beach side of the house after much finagling!

And this is our sweet bride-to-be with her underwear that someone found on the beach. You can imagine the giggles that went on after that find! Abbie handled it all with her wonderful sense of humor and ability to laugh at herself. One of the seven shih tzus (yes, seven! … my two, my brother’s two, my new sister’s two and her sister’s one) who attended the wedding had stolen the pretty lacy panties and traipsed off to the beach to hide them from our bride. She handled the ribbing with grace and humor. What a good sport – and we’re so lucky to have her as the newest member of our family!

We woke up extra early on the first morning we were there (the Winter Solstice, the full lunar eclipse and the wedding day) and watched a beautiful sunrise over San Francisco. Awesome is a great word to use for this experience. The power of the surf, the sound of the sea birds, the breeze (well, perhaps wind is more appropriate!) along with the beautiful sight of the sun rising was a once-in-a-lifetime treat!

I look forward to sharing the new local yarns that I found out there on the left coast! But for now, I hope my photo of sunrise and the pathway to the house will encourage you to take a deep breath, sit back and think of how lucky we are to witness the glory of this earth. With the Pacific Ocean on one side and the mountains on the other, this was a perfect setting for a wedding and a week of family time. I am truly blessed. It was a merry Christmas.

Wishing you peace.
Wishing for peace on Earth.

Venomous Snakes

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This is a for real sign that I found at a Florida rest area … welcoming, isn’t it? I didn’t even get my dogs out of the car here. I wouldn’t even have stopped if I didn’t have to pee wicked badly. Good grief, I get that they have to warn naive travelers but this is ridiculous!

And speaking of venomous snakes, I feel like one today – my daughter visited from Chicago for a few days and it was the most fun I’ve had for ages. And now, going into the Thanksgiving holiday with none of my kids being here with me again, I am feeling really sad and as if every word that comes out of my mouth is venomous. I don’t mean to be nasty but I can’t help it. I feel like I gave up everything to come here and it’s not worked out like I had hoped it would. It’s hard when you are not a risk taker and then at a crossroads in your life, you decide to take a risk and then it turns out not to be a good move. I guess I’ve learned a lot (always the one to find the silver freaking lining … ) but it’s feeling really crappy going into my favorite holiday of the year.

I’ve always been able to find something to be grateful for and genuinely feel grateful. This year I simply feel wounded and lonely. I certainly hope that my knitting takes off for me in the coming months and that I can find a great location to move to and start over again. Any suggestions? I’m feeling New England in the New Year … maybe 2011 will be the answer to prayers. I need an infusion of happiness. Thank you very much.

This is one of the pairs of “Cooked Lobster Claw” mittens that I packaged and shipped last week. Aren’t they cute as a button? I love them to death. They could also be called “Cooked Crawfish Claw” mittens for those who live in the southern regions … and, frankly it’s a reflection of my family – North and South!

I told you that I had a family miracle to share about my big brother, right? Here you go – this is something that I’m truly grateful for….

After my mother passed away, a cousin of hers contacted my aunt (mom’s sister) and told her that she had information about a baby. She had been sworn to secrecy and had kept the secret until my mother died. Rita shared that my mother and father had conceived a baby boy who was born “out of wedlock” in May of 1956 in California.

When I was a kid, I had heard the story about how my father had chased after the society girls but was dating my mother, a legal secretary. Mom, frustrated with the fact that he hadn’t proposed, moved to California for a year to get away. Dad couldn’t live without her and, ultimately, proposed and they were married in 1957.

 

 

My father and mother … circa 1956

 

 

 

 

Well, what was left out of that old story was that the real reason that Mom went to California was that she was pregnant and unmarried. In 1956 this was a shameful thing. My mother would have been considered “trash” if found out so she sneaked away. On May 30, 1956 a baby boy was born to my mother and was given into the hands of a loving adoptive family. Mom never held him nor saw him. According to Cousin Rita, though, she was very worried about Mom’s mental state. She was isolated and dreadfully depressed. Rita called my Dad who came out to California to visit and shortly thereafter, Mom returned to the east coast and they were engaged and married in September 1957.

So, in 2008, I got word that I had a full-blood big brother somewhere in the world. Against all odds, I called the California County office and was told there was nothing they could tell me. Adoptions from that time were sealed. The Internet was the place to search and I found several sites that are “Adoption Registries” and signed myself up. It didn’t take long before an angel (yes, Virginia, there are real live angels!) who volunteers to help adoptive families and birth families to find each other emailed me with some information about my brother. And then there was another email. And the third … I’ve found your brother! At the bottom of the email was a white pages listing with my brother’s name and address and phone number. So, I called.

A woman answered and I asked for Richard (an amazing coincidence … my younger brother with whom I grew up is also Richard, as was my father). She told me he was out and would be home in a couple of hours. So, I set the timer (yes, literally) for two hours and called again. The answering machine picked up. I started to leave my message and the woman came on … and she turned the phone over to a man. I told him my story (well, my parents’ story) and he asked me a couple of questions about my parents and then he said, “I think I’m your brother.” Wow! We talked for about 45 minutes that first time. Sharing about our children and our lives and our siblings. He had just lost his mother a few weeks prior to my call and was thinking that he only had one blood relative in the whole world … and now he had three blood siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and cousins galore.

We’ve since had several opportunities to get together and we’ve started to get to know each other and our extended family. When our younger brother Rick gets married next month, all five of us will be there. Me, my brothers that I grew up with (both younger) and my new big brother and sister. Turns out my big brother had a younger sister and now I have a big sister too.

I think our mothers would be very proud. For that I’m very grateful.